I rejected my own reflection on the showcase of the bakery.I had grown lean and dark circles had formed around my eyes. I am not complaining but just a couple of months ago , I was a rather “Healthy” (read Fat) teenager. What had changed between these few months. I wonder.
‘What do you want?‘, I was pulled back to reality. Finding my self lost, I looked around.
‘You there… what do you want‘, I regained focus and I was looking straight at the shopkeeper. He didn’t have the inviting smile of a merchant, rather he sounded more like a military general.A no non-sense type.
‘Uhum ?‘ the shopkeeper raised his eyebrows in a questioning gesture, in his eyes I read his resolve to drive me away as soon as I would have shrugged my shoulders meaning ‘Nothing’.
‘I am looking for some sweets,‘ I spoke to avoid public disgrace.That allowed me some time as the shopkeeper now turned to other buyers requesting attention.
**********
Bakery shop at bus station is a winner in Kerala. Considering our culture of hospitality, we buy sweets, cakes, tea time snacks and sometimes even chewing gums to gift those we are visiting.Infact,I don’t know if we ever think outside the realms of eatables for gifts. It really doesn’t matter what time,what occasion or whom we are visiting, we surely carry some eatables as gifts. Of-course there is no disgrace; even if you are to gift a pack of orange candies or cashew nuts when visiting your grandfather who is struggling with his teeth. Thankfully, people appreciate the act more than the monetary value of the item. So, you buy a case of rare dry fruits or a roll of poppins, you get the same generous, warm welcome.
I looked at the customers at the shop. Some were bargaining with the attenders and some were striking a compromise with their kids – “Kid wins” kind of compromise. ‘At-least the attenders are ready to listen.’ I amused myself.
My reality as compared to the kids was not different. They were dependent on their parents for everything just as I was only that I had grown to sprout moustaches and patches of facial hair. With age people add a new dimension to a teenager’s behaviour “maturity” which also packages itself as ‘understanding the situation’. While these kids could scream, howl and embarrass their parents to submission, I had to live with my monthly allowances, which is justified in the fact that my parents belonged to the every growing middle class; characterized by high ambitions for their kids and negligible bank balances to propel those dreams.I was a victim of these ambitions and I am now pursuing an Engineering degree in a newly started engineering college in my home-town.
My share of responsibilities included me to sacrifice many aspects of my freedom. I am staying with my cousins, sharing their bedroom,accommodating myself to their routines and likes and acting a good listener to their gossips even if I despise such futile conversations. In a way the trade is fair, I get to stay with them minus the rent and they get a dumbass to share their household work.
I do not regrets my condition. To pacify my frustrations, I imagine, had they been my real brothers and sisters, ‘Wouldn’t I have done all this?‘ The answer is invariably a ‘Yes’,and it is my mind that answers as matter-of-factly . My conscience however probes further ‘If they were my real brothers and sisters wouldn’t they consider my interest before dispensing me off to do odd works?..
Wouldn’t I have the freedom to say NO? …
Wouldn’t they care buy me new clothes when they buy it for everyone else in their family? …
Wouldn’t they introduce me to guests as their brother …
Wouldn’t they take me as a representative of my family and give me equal importance at social functions..Wouldn’t..‘
I refrained myself.
It was during these turbulent times that a friend introduced me to a fellowship of Christian friends who gather on weekends for prayers and sharing. That soon became my escape from everything and I found new courage.
**********
I searched my pocket and all I could come up with was 12 Rupees. ‘5 Rupees for fare.. balance 7.. hmm’ I told myself. This month I had just 400 Rupees and there was still another 1 week before the month ends and I get my allowances,.. I wish I had another 3 rupees to spare so I could have bought those cakes.’ My eyes fell on the plum-cake slices – cut vertically into square shapes and then wrapped in translucent white paper.
‘So then shall I take some of these?‘ the shopkeeper had returned and he had followed my gaze. He never meant a word to entice me into buying, he just wanted to browbeat me into a decision or at best drive me away. I decided to strongly defend myself from his repeated jabs on my self-esteem, If I can’t win this I will surely prolong his irritation.
‘ How much for those cakes?‘ I pointed towards the cake slices, acting ignorant of the price tag already kept near the item. I was just buying my time to take a decision a balance between my craving for a cake and the money I had in my pocket.
‘That is 5 per piece.. minimum 2 pieces‘ the shopkeeper pushed the words businesslike.
‘Emm…shish….‘ I twitched a corner of my lips to show my supposed apprehension.
‘Do you have any other cakes?‘
‘Would you want some pastries,I have chocolate… vanilla and cookie..‘
‘Never mind, I don’t like them‘, I was surprised at my royal arrogance.
‘Then I don’t have anything else … If you want something buy it fast, I don’t have time for your questions…..‘, I had pressed the wrong buttons and I wasn’t ready for what was coming.The shopkeeper looked at me intensely for a few seconds. His face now turned meaner and demonic.
‘How much money do you have huh … come-on tell me how much do you have…‘ He voice now fiery. His coarse language immediately drew the attention of the people around, who were now looking at me. Their sneers pained me and I wished I would rather die.
‘ I am just asking you for..‘,my voice grew meek.
‘What asking!!..‘ he cut me short and started yelling, his hands and tongue twisting and turning as they hurled insults at me. ‘All this guy has done in the last 10 minutes here is just ask..‘ He was addressing the curious crowd that had by now gathered around the shop. I wanted to hide somewhere , my eyes now followed my feet as they scratched the floor. ‘You think I run this shop to answer your questions … what’s the rate of this..what’s the rate of that… that is all you can do…. don’t have a penny in your pocket but you still want to know the rates ….‘
Words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. If I had anger to punch him one moment, the other moment I was clouded by shame. The barbed whispers of the onlookers, resonated in my ears. I was rendered motionless with abject misery.My lips quivered and I bite them to contain myself.
‘Just two rascals like him is enough to spoil a day’s business … what are you waiting for… come tomorrow, I will give you everything for free…‘ he paused a moment. ‘Look at him …. you must have a skin of a rhino to stand here shamelessly.‘ Insignificant.. is exactly what I felt in that moment. My mind raced to find words that would form a fitting reply, breathing grew so heavy I could hear it,my toe pressed so hard on the sole of the sandal that it hurt. Even then, I didn’t have the courage to raise my head. I waited for some miracle to happen.
Random Thoughts 